A vicious cycle: rejection, avoidance, and perceived lack of experience

​

Because our society is set up according to the needs and patterns of communicating that best serve neurotypical people, many autistic people experience social anxiety and have negative social experiences, including rejection and bullying, from a very young age.

Many (but not all) SAAIL participants shared feeling misunderstood, rejected, or even bullied by peers at school, leading them to experience social anxiety which also impacted on their early sexual or romantic experiences. Some participants spoke of instances from when they were younger where they had tried to speak to someone they had a crush on or had tried to make a romantic advance,  however they felt as though it had gone badly or they had been rejected or treated badly.

As a result of these negative experiences, some autistic people said that as teenagers or young adults, they found it easier to just avoid flirting and dating altogether, as these were unpredictable situations and could easily lead to awkwardness, anxiety, rejection, or being treated badly. While they were avoiding these encounters, their peers were having their early romantic and sexual experiences, experimenting, learning and making mistakes, while autistic people felt that they lost the opportunity of these early experiences.

Some autistic people said that they then found themselves as young adults, perhaps at university, having had little or no sexual experience, while (in their minds) their peers were gaining lots of sexual experience. In turn, they felt shame about not having enough sexual experience compared to others their age. This led to them again avoiding dating, flirting, and hooking up for fear that when it came to having sex, that person would realise they did not have any experience and they would be humiliated or rejected.

For some, this became a perpetual cycle of avoidance and anxiety around lack of sexual experience and fear of rejection, leading to them feeling isolated, as though it was “too late” for them to get into a relationship, and as though they had missed the opportunity altogether.  Below are some examples of how avoidance and lack of experience played out: 

"It had been 9 years since my teenage girlfriend who had left me in my early 20s. So I’d really gotten through all of my 20s without any more relationships. Erm, so rather than sort of gaining experience and confidence, I’d felt more and more ashamed, and more and more like even if someone did find me attractive it would be such a disappointment for them because of such a lack of experience, if we did ever have sex that erm… I just couldn’t really see a way forward, you know… and I was, you know, depressed quite often as well and had a lot of kind of general social anxiety. So I sort of felt around the end of my 20s like I just don’t understand how I can hope to meet someone else. So this was actually quite, you know, painful really. Because, you know, my body and soul wanted these kinds of relationships so much." (Fred: male, 38, heterosexual, mixed race)

“I haven’t really seen any opportunities where I could even ask anyone out on a date. I also anticipate being rejected a lot if I tried, which also makes me wonder if it’s worth investing time and energy into attempting to date." (GammaRay_he_him: 47, male, heterosexual, white)

​

"[If I were to meet someone in a bar] they probably are looking for someone who is good at whatever kind of sex people have in casual hookups and I’m unlikely to be and don’t have that experience to draw on. So it would probably be humiliating." (Anon38, male, 28, heterosexual)

​

Lack of experience

​

Many participants felt that a lack of experience compared to their peers was one of the biggest barriers they faced. Many participants said they would like support in this area:

​

“A barrier is a lack of experience relative to my peers." (Neo, 32, female, Queer, white)

“How to deal with the reality of likely being far less sexually experienced than any potential partners, and what knowledge would help compensate for the mismatch in experiential knowledge. There seems to be an attitude, probably quite understandable, that people my age wouldn’t want to have to teach their new partner how to have sex as if he’s a bumbling virgin teen. So what can that person learn/practice in order to take that burden off their more experienced partner?” (Anon38, male, 28, heterosexual)

​

“On a personal level I feel that I would benefit from knowing that I am not alone and there are other autistic people that are also in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond that have limited experience with intimate relationships, still struggle to truly understand their sexuality, and find it difficult to access the language to express things such as desire. Just hearing that I’m not the only one in this situation would be helpful.” (Swimboy, 46, trans male, grey ace, mixed race)

​

“There must be Autistic sex therapists and counsellors out there who could run programmes for all ages but in particular help out people who are diagnosed late with that awful feeling that they missed out on a helluva lot of fun and games in previous decades.” (NedNerd, 54, questioning, heterosexual, white)

​

Tips and considerations

It is important to find ways to break this cycle of fear of avoidance if possible: 

​

• Some autistic people have found that paid sexual encounters with an experienced professional sex worker is a valuable way to gain the sexual experience they needed, but in a non-judgmental environment where the person could support their sexual exploration.  Experienced and vetted professionals can be accessed via The TLC Trust website, many of whom support neurodiverse people.

• It is best not to assume that everyone values sexual experience over other qualities in a partner. Some people would be willing to take a sexual relationship slowly and be part of your sexual exploration process. But this would mean being upfront with the potential partner that you do not have much experience and asking them how they feel about this. 

​

• Remember, you are not the only one who feels this way. There are many people out there, autistic and non-autistic, who feel insecure about their level of sexual experience or other aspects related to having sex. If you avoid all intimate situations you will miss out on meeting potential intimate partners who may be in a similar situation to you, or may need patience or support in another area. 

​

​